I have just discovered an ebook that I find very interesting, more so because my ex husband is truly a Bad Dad.
http://www.maximizeCommunication.com/cmd.php?clk2279396
He & our oldest daughter have always had a difficult relationship. He is a perfectionist, very demanding & controlling and she refused and still does refuse to be controlled.
Dad has a naturally slim build and our child has my family genes & tends to be overweight. He has pushed her all of her life to be thin, (something she will never be). She is every bit as smart and intelligent as her Dad probably more so but this behavior had damaged her sense of self esteem.
I have often referred to our family relationship as a benevolent dictatorship. Dad believed that everything his family did & how they behaved reflected on him.
Our children have always had the best of everything, an indoor swimming pool & skating rink in one home we owned, another had a children's floor with family room, game room with pool table shuffleboard & pinball machine, an exercise room & sauna, and a hot tub & trampoline outside. They each had a horse and competed in Hunter/Jumper competitions, and we traveled extensively.
Sounds like the perfect Dad to be giving his children so much. Maybe, but I don't think so. I do realize it was probably the only way he knew how to show them how much he loved them.
What he did not get and doesn't to this day is that what the children really wanted was Dad's approval & unconditional love, and I stress unconditional love. They did not want to have to be the perfect child, with top marks in school, the best in show or at anything else for that matter. They just wanted to be loved for who they were not what they were or how much they accomplished. A hug & an I Love you would have been perfect.
Our older child does not currently have anything to do with her Dad, not that she hasn't tried very hard because she has, and not that she doesn't love him, because she does and she is very proud of his accomplishments (of which there are many). She simply feels it is a toxic relationship and she avoids being hurt by staying away.
I really don't think that is very good for her but she is a highly intelligent young woman and has told me not to push her. We are, by the way, best friends and she pulls no punches with me.
Her sister has her own issues and only sees her Dad because her husband feels she should maintain a relationship with him. I believe her husband has it right.
She does, however have abandonment issues with her Dad. When he left he promised he'd take care of her & her Mom and that I would never have to work. I'd been a stay at home Mom for 30 years and we were living in the States (I'm Canadian & could not get a job in the States). My daughter was in high school at the time. Several times over the next few years BAD DAD would withhold support and managed to declare bankruptcy even though he & his new bride were pulling in oven $300,00.00 per year between them. I painted a lot of walls for a lot of friends to pay the mortgage.
Two weeks before our second Child was to start College, Dad, who'd promised so much support told her she would have to come live with him and attend College there, something she flatly refused to do. Needless to say it fell on me to get her to school. I had to borrow $20,000.00 from my parents to get her started.
Since this is a story about Bad Dads and their relationships with their children it really doesn't matter what my ongoing relationship is with my children's Dad. In truth he was $25,000.00 in arrears when he retired 2 years ago and his company , Air Canada, has been paying him his full pension in contravention of a court order (which of course means that I have received nothing). He has spent every dime of it and is living on a 52 foot Yacht, also divorce from wife #2.
We are talking about two very bright and intelligent , now adult, children and knowing these facts cannot help but colour their relationships with their parents.
I don't think it would be any surprise to say that personally I would not be the least bit upset if neither of them ever spoke to their Dad again, but that is selfish and self serving on my part. It would mean I'd have my girls all to myself, however, what I really want is for my children to be happy and to have what's best for them.
http://maximizeCommunications.com/cmd.php?clk=2279396
I believe that Children in a Healthy Relationship with both parents will have a much better chance at having a healthy relationship with their mates and their own children.
So, when I found this e-book, I realized that even if your children are grown and estranged from you, it is never too late to mend the broken fences.
Each of my children will get a copy, and yes, even my ex will get a copy of BAD DAD as well as my full support, and my non interference.
I am being totally selfish here. The better my children's relationship with their Bad Dad the better for me.
I include the web link here for anyone who wants/needs help (and who couldn't use a little help these days) or is simply curious.
I firmly believe it is a good read even for those who are not in trouble as Dad's. It may help steer you away from some of the pitfalls of parenthood and being estranged from your children.
Take it from someone who's been there. It is not how much you give your children physically, it is how much of you that you give them.
Click on the link and have a look.
http://www.MaximizeCommunications.com/cmd.php?Clk=2279396
2/18/08
by Firefly
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